3 Weeks

Three weeks and I'm out of here. No more seeing places that have memories behind them. No more driving down the road blasting my favorite song and seeing something that reminds me of a time when.. No more being home alone without friends. No more not doing anything because I don't have anyone to go with and it would be weird if I went alone.

Instead of 'no more' it will be 'I want' and 'I'm going to..' I can't wait.

I'm starting to get a little nervous. Don't tell anyone. I'm more nervous about the flight and finding my way in the airport and making sure my bags get wherever it is that they're supposed to go, but I'm also getting nervous about going some place I've never been, not knowing anyone in my town (knowing only 1 person in the whole country)... but that's what also makes me not nervous. I'm looking forward to being in a place where no one knows me, where everything is new, where there are no memories of when. I'll be able to choose my memories and who I make them with. (I did before, but this is a bit different. Not sure how but it is.)

I'm lucky that I have a few good friends in the states, but I'm totally looking forward to making more. I'm looking forward to meeting all kinds of new people who share my same values.

The next thing that happens is this:

My documents are on the way to Soko now. Once they get there (by 2/7 at 6pm), I get my Visa 2 number. Once I get that, I mail my copies of documents I just mailed to Soko, mail those off to the consulate in Atlanta. Then I schedule an appointment to have an interview with someone at the consulate. And once I do that, I go. So I'll be ready to go in 3 weeks.

If you've ever wanted to know if it's possible to feel almost every emotion in the world at one time.. trust me, it is.

happy
excited
sad
upset
crying (both happy and sad tears)
nervous
freaking out
knowing that i'm going to miss people and things
knowing also that i wouldn't be going if there was enough people to attend a going away party for me
but also knowing that i'm about 3 weeks away from experiencing things i've never experienced before and i cant wait for the first new experience.
drinking so much that i realize it and know that i shouldnt but also that i know the more i drink the less i'll feel that the right person for me does not exist. and tha everything im feeling is really ok.

I think i'm beginning to know why all these celebrities go into rehab for drinking so much. They drink so much in the first place because they're these normal people with a job that puts them in the middle of everyone's attention and they feel like drinking (or doing drugs, which i DON"T do - want to make that clear) will get them past the horrible feelings. sometimes you can drink so much that you feel like thats the truth. its not. because once you stop drinking the real truth comes back. you can't get away from it unless you face it. but they want to stay away from it so they drink and drink and drink. i dont do that, but i understand now how they can get to that point. And I don't understand why regular people make such a big to-do over someone else's life. It's that which drove them to drink so much in the first place. It's almost like a never ending cycle. My cycle isn't that bad, but at least I'm able to break that cycle. I need to do it for me and I can't wait to start. I wish it was tomorrow. But you know what? In a few weeks, it WILL be tomorrow.