I've been thinking about it now for a good two months. I've spent more time thinking about this than I think I've ever spent thinking about anything else before in my life. And I mean really thinking. Not just thinking what it would be like and what I would do in my spare time, but what the consequences and benefits would be, what it would take in order to do it after I say, "Yes, sign me up," and how all the events leading up to my departure will take place. I've thought about how to sell my car, how much I'd have to send back home every month to pay for my remaining car payments and a storage unit for my stuff, and how my allergy to shellfish would stop me from enjoying many South Korean dishes. I've thought about how to get through the 20-hour plane ride, and having never been on a plane, how I'll feel on the flight: If I'll make it or if they'll need to call the on-board paramedic to come rescue me from some awful plane ailment. I've thought about having to hang my clothes in my tiny kitchen to dry because the South Koreans don't use clothes dryers, and how long it'll take me to learn basic phrases. I've thought about how many times I'll get lost, started at because I'm an American in a homogeneous country, and how I'll work with the student who just can't learn English, just how I just couldn't learn French, even with all the help in the world.
I've thought about it so much that I've started telling people I've been thinking about it. And while sometimes I might tell people things I'm thinking, this isn't something I take lightly. Not only am I looking at this as a year in a foreign country, after which I'll come home and move on with my American life, I'm looking at it as an opportunity. If I like it, I'll continue to teach in South Korea (political and economic conditions supporting, of course). I could even move to Japan to teach. And while there, I can explore anything I want - from Malaysia to Singapore to Hong Kong to Australia, a country I've wanted to travel to since I was ten, maybe even earlier. This isn't only the next year from when I start. It could very well be the next ten years.
Or I could absolutely hate it and count down the days until I return to the states. But somehow I don't see that as a plausible outcome.
For the past few months, even before South Korea entered my mind, I've been honing my writing. I've always had a special passion for writing, but it was always something I did on the side. I never did it as a real job or way to make any money to support myself. But now I'm thinking of myself as the next Anthony Bourdain, a journalist waiting to emerge from the little town she grew up in and see the world. See the cultures the people of the world live every day that are so different from my own little world of racist co-workers and people complaining they don't have money to pay the housekeeper. I'm struggling to pay for gas to drive the 4.5 miles to work. But there are people in the world who walk 4.5 miles to work because driving would take too long, or their only option is the bus and it was full the past two times it drove by, or people who just walk to walk and enjoy what they see along the way.
I've been thinking about becoming an expat and flying off to Malaysia and living the rest of my life on a beautiful expanse of exotic beach with an equally exotic drink, and sleeping with the other expat who now owns the bar.
I want to see the world and experience things I'll never get to experience at home. I want to do something with my life, even if its learning from other cultures and telling the world my stories of travel and how I came from where I did and saw the things I've seen. Give me a camera and a computer and I'll have the most captivating blog this side of the Pacific. Give me my passport and a plane ticket and I'll leave my 700 square foot 1/1 apartment behind in a heartbeat. I know there's a whole world out there to see, but sometimes I feel trapped feeling like I'll never be able to get to it. Like it's just beyond reach and keeps getting further and further away. Like something's always going to be holding me back, no matter what it may be. I just want to go. I've even considered leaving as early as March for South Korea, but again, I don't know if it will be financially possible with my apartment lease not ending until late June and just trying to get by every month, almost less than paycheck-to-paycheck, which is so much less than what I'm worth. The whole idea is frustrating, but being a financially responsible person I know that I just can't pick up and leave. If I couldn't make it or couldn't do it, what would I come home to? No money, no car and bad credit. And I just can't do that.
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